For myself I don't want to add any custom wrappers around gcc. pkgsrc does more than enough wrapping itself for my taste.
I'm new to pkgsrc and NetBSD, but my guess is that this is one of those things that we cannot expect pkgsrc itself to solve. Maybe xli (and others you've tried?) is one of those packages made to ignore custom flags and needs to be patched. See section 10.15 of the pkgsrc guide.
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